I cried this weekend. I experienced envy.
In envy I longed for the clarity of direction from God. In envy I wanted to be pursued to participate in something bigger than myself with Him at the center. In one of the moments where this shade of green took over my emotions, I did what any full grow woman would do. I started coloring.
For Christmas, my mother in law gave me a bible with space to journal and images and verses intended for you to color. So with worship music flowing through my ear buds, I slowly sharpened pencils, colored a line, read a verse, meditated on the verse and colored again. Over and over. I don’t know how much time passed.
At some point, I dropped nearly everything on the floor. As the unofficial captain of #TeamKlutz it is always just a matter of time. But this time I was angry at myself. I felt overwhelmed. I experienced envy. And I wanted to cry. I got up and gathered everything I had dropped. I went to get ready for bed. Then, I heard it.
I looked up in the mirror, half of my makeup wiped off… I don’t know if I’m spending my time doing the right things or if I’m just floating through life from one obligation to the next. I’m getting older. Am I really where I’m supposed to be? Am I doing things that challenge me and make me better?
I looked in the mirror, brushing my teeth… I understand my purpose at its most basic level is to love God and love others. But am I doing that well? Am I doing that enough? At my job, in my marriage, with my family and friends? Isn’t there something bigger that you want me to be a part of?
I looked in the mirror, my hair in a messy ponytail… I wish someone would place an opportunity in front of me to walk away from the routine and do something amazing, be a part of something amazing, to change the world one step at a time.
Why are you not writing?
I looked in the mirror, confused… Write? Oh. I used to do that. A lot. Turns out there were people who said it helped them. People who I didn’t even know were reading, or listening, or looking forward to what I was contributing to their day. They were seeds I guess. I didn’t know.
I knew. Write.
I looked in the mirror, and smiled a little. What if that’s it? What if that was always “it”? What to write about though? What’s worth writing, what’s worth saying, what’s worth reading? So many people write. Who am I?
So this morning I sat down with a cup of coffee, on my favorite bench, and I told God, okay. I went to church and was reminded who created me, that he is the light of the world, and we’re called to reflect that light. However, wherever, we can. And maybe in this moment, at this point in time, I can love others through writing.
So here I am. Starting. Again. Restarting really.
Reminded it always starts with listening for God’s voice, and following his lead. Even if it feels like some details are missing that I would prefer. Even if it feels clunky and like I’m dropping everything on the floor… again.
I am reminded that the God who created me, gave me abilities that are not for me. And he also gave me the ability to decide that for myself. I always have a choice.