becoming the woman God needs me to be
I have been in a legit funk.
For at least a year.
The kind that makes me wonder if I’m having a mid-life crisis, if I’m pre-menopausal, if I’m clinically <insert label> or just plain allergic to adult responsibility and change.
And on top of it I have this digital journal, an anthology of blog posts and Facebook nonsense that pops up in “memories” to remind me of something I said before the funk.
It’s a weird thing to read something you’ve written and not recognize your own voice. To wonder where that person went and how to find her again.
It’s weird to say all of that out loud.
To give that thought authority and a solid place in my reality, rather than disregard it as a passing hormonal episode or circumstantial feeling, that will pass because I’m “in a season.”
But today I put on Yoshi socks.
For the first time in a long time I felt like I could choose joy. Not because things are a-okay all of a sudden. Work was hard and stressful today in more ways than one. My gym workout winded me even though it shouldn’t. Everything that was true in the funk is still true today.
Except that it’s not.
And I can’t tell you why.
I don’t have an algorithm. Or a book. Or a TED Talk. I don’t have a catchy meme or insta-image with a bible verse on it. Though I drank an abundance of coffee today, there was nothing special about today’s magic juice.
Maybe it was Elizabeth at the gym… who is nearly 80, lifts weights and swims, and remembers my name no matter how long I’m away. She’s from Poland and despite being in the US for 60+ years, her accent is strong as ever. The way she looks at me when she tells me she is happy to see me, reminds me of Busia.
Maybe it was a mystery card from a friend, unsigned, encouraging me with Bible verses, letting me know that I am seen and known and loved and not alone.
Maybe it’s the changing leaves and the cooler air.
Or maybe it’s the pictures I looked through last night that reminded me of all the amazing adventures and time with friends and family I’ve experienced and forgot to dwell on and be thankful for… because of the aforementioned”funk”.
Regardless, I am wearing a Cardinals shirt. Considering their recent games I am almost certain they will lose though I am not rooting for that. I am still supporting my husband, my in-laws and my friends. People I am immensely grateful for.
Regardless, I am eating a steak I seasoned and cooked to medium rare. Thankful for every part of that supply chain, and that I have the financial means to purchase it, and the knowledge, tools and dexterity to prepare it.
Regardless, I am wearing Yoshi socks. That remind me of countless hours of Mario Kart in college dorms with friends. That peak out from my too baggy jeans reminiscent of my high school days. That remind me to be thankful for the feet and legs I have to stand on that work properly without injury or pain.
I don’t know for sure if the funk is on its way out.
But I felt like writing. I knew what I wanted to write. And I felt joy and thankfulness.
So I couldn’t keep it to myself. That, or my super awesome (you know you’re jelly) Yoshi socks.