becoming the woman God needs me to be
Some things never seem to have an end.
Work. Email. Information. To do lists.
It’s as if they multiply and procreate the moment I look away.
It’s been overwhelming. Not sustainable if I’m being honest. And since I know it won’t end. I need to have the strength, or the apathy, or enough fatigue to physically shut it all off and walk away. It will be there whenever I get back. It’s procreating, remember?
So I went here.
And I’m going to stay right here.
Until the bubbles end.
It started with piano. Then relaxing film scores. And eventually I found some women who follow Jesus and sing what is in my heart and my head any I cry. Not ugly sobs. Just slow sporadic trickling tears of emotional exhaustion.
In the darkest hour when I cannot breathe Fear is on my chest, the weight of the world on me Everything's crashing down, everything I have known When I wonder if I'm all alone I remember, I remember You have always been faithful to me I remember, I remember Even when my own eyes could not see You were there, always there Remember by Lauren Daigle
I have a brief memory, more like a polaroid in my mind, of a pink tub from my house as a kid. Of the white tub at Busia’s old house. I remember showing my hands, sometimes covered with bubbles. You weren’t ready to get out until your fingers and toes were prunes. And you proved it. Smiling and proud as if I had anything to do with it.
I’m way past pruny. But there is still wine in the glass. The water is still warm. And there are still bubbles. I’m not ready yet.
I hear the whisper underneath your breath I hear you whisper you have nothing left I will send out an army To find you in the middle of the darkest night It's true, I will rescue you I will never stop marching To reach you in the middle of the hardest fight It's true, I will rescue you Rescue by Lauren Daigle
I have a string of memories. Snorkeling with a sea turtle. Canoeing in the river. Floating on the sound. Wading in the ocean. In all of them I’m looking back at my husband and my heart swells. We explored again and again. And we will again.
And at that moment I had a visitor. A kiss on my forehead. An ask for more wine? A kiss on the tears on each cheek. A smile of knowing and loving. Then space to continue.
The lyrics continued.
I know your heart is heavy from those nights Just remember that you're a fighter, a fighter You never know just what tomorrow holds And you're stronger than you know Stronger than you know… And when the night, is closing in Don't give up and don't give in This won't last, it's not the end, it's not the end You're gonna be ok You're Gonna Be Ok by Jenn Johnson
I stayed until they were tears of thankfulness. Tears of joyful remembrance.
And no more bubbles.
That was yesterday.
Today it’s raining. Slow steady and non-stop.
I have a memory of dancing in the rain when we had the apartment. It was midnight and we thought it would be silly and fun. It was perfect. I have a memory of kayaking in the rain. Of making joy in a moment that could have been a downer. A memory of running from the bar to the car with my best friend, and laughing at how soaked we were.
When you are in the middle of the work. The email. The to do lists… it can be hard. To remember that it’s not always like this. It can be hard to be thankful for all that you have. It can be hard to remember you have the power to inject joy in the unplanned. You have the ability to change how you see people. How you see circumstances.
But I’m learning I can’t do that unless I step away. Unless I remind myself, I’m not mission critical to every moment, every conversation, every task. I am valuable. But I am not the only person who is valuable. You are valuable. And neither of us should be “on” all the time. We’re not God. We need to stop trying to do his job. Honestly, we’re terrible at it.
So, when you see me and I’m not my best. When you reach out and I don’t reply. When I tell you, I’m overwhelmed and I’m going to cry. Point me to Jesus. Remind me.
Unplug. Turn it off. Look away.
Not forever, just for now.
Find a spot. And stay.
Until the bubbles end.
You're here You're the Provider All I've ever needed Jesus, You supply You're here Wonder-working power Everything You breathe on Coming back to life At the mention of Your Name Every chain will break I know everything will change Jesus, just the whisper of Your Name Will silence wind and waves At the mention of Your Name Mention Of Your Name by Jenn Johnson