with you

Dear Busia,

I wish I had spent more time cooking WITH you.

I was so lucky to be the recipient of everything you made. Many days sitting at the kitchen table working on homework after school while you cooked in the kitchen, timing it just right so we could eat when Jeopardy was over and my homework was done.

But this evening I stood in front of my crockpot, combining ingredients wishing I could meal plan with you. That we could cook together, sipping on cosmopolitans.

• You could tell me a better way to dice onions.
• A better substitute for the ingredient I was missing.
• Tell me a story about your mother’s cooking.
• Hug me in between every step of the process.

I wish I had spent more time learning from you.

I have your recipes in a little binder in your handwriting: golabkis, polish chop suey cake, your infamous cheesecake and kolackis … but I can’t bring myself to try recreating them without you.

Except for the poundcake.

• Because it was the one thing I spent time cooking WITH you.
• Because of the special mold you left me to make the lamb shaped poundcake just like you did.
• Because it represents Easter and Jesus, and you lived His way so well as an example for me.

I make the face on the lamb shaped poundcake exactly the same way you did. Just eyes and a nose. I use the same tip you used to apply the icing. I prefer coconut flakes for grass. I can’t bring myself to do anything different.

As I glance between my crockpot and your photo, I remember my birthday is coming up soon. I have so much to be thankful for. And yet sitting here, preparing a meal… I wish the other chair at my counter was filled by you. I wish for my birthday I had more of you.

Thank you for loving me so well and so big that I miss you this much.

P.S. I hope you’re cooking with Jesus. Teach him how to make pierogis and kolackis. Your food was the best because you were the special ingredient.

Love,

Your Girl (no matter how old I get)